|Image from essence.com|
When I said I do, I planned on being married for the rest of my life. 2013 proved my plans wrong and I tried like hell to be with him forever. I’m pregnant with my daughter and we have another three year old daughter. I didn’t want them exposed to the divorced life. I didn’t want them to have to spend their time in two different houses. I didn’t want them to have two sets of parents. When most people get married they don’t want think about, “Maybe in a few years I’ll divorce this man that I plan to spend the rest of my life with.”
I’m used to seeing two people stay together. My parents have been married for thirty plus years. All of my cousins have been married for a long time. My brother has been in a relationship and married to the same woman for over ten years. I seen stability all my life and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t mend our relationship. I won’t get into details, but we fought like hell to stay together and the fighting wasn’t enough.
I spent many sleepless nights wondering how my daughters will be affected. What do I have to do to make sure that they get the fulfillment that they deserve? What do I do to make this divorce as simple and amiable as possible? I wonder, how am I going to take care of myself and two girls? Before you think that it will never happen to you, it can and it’s something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I can successfully say that 2014 hasn’t been my best year. Of course, being pregnant is awesome and watching my three year old grow up is amazing. Those are the biggest highlights, but the rest isn’t that great. Now I’m trying to get my life together. I’m trying to make a life that my daughters deserve. This has been a trying time but in the end, it has taught me some major life lessons. First, I can make it on my own. Second, I don’t need someone else to fulfill me. I always thought I did, but I think that I’m doing just fine. Third, never put all of your life into someone else’s hands. We sometimes forget ourselves in the relationships we chose to be in. We think that our lives revolve around someone else. It is a sad cycle that women tend to fall into. So never forget who you are and what you stand for. Lastly, you can never make a relationship last when you are the only stock holder in the relationship. You can’t expect gold when your partner only expects silver. You can’t make someone love you. You can’t expect the best when you settle for less.
My advice is, never get married because you are pressured to get married by others. Just because those said people can stay in a relationship with the same person for thirty years doesn’t mean that the same will happen to you and your relationship.
Next, really get to know the person you plan on marrying. Trust me, they will show signs that the relationship is not for the long haul. I look back and I say, “How did I not see that coming a mile away?” Also, if a person shows you what they are, trust them.
Never let someone hold all the cards in the relationship because it takes forever to establish your own identity.
Never be ashamed to ask for help or a friend to talk to. You need time to yourself and you need someone to vent to in this time of need.
And finally, fall in love with yourself all over again. If you start a relationship with yourself then you will never fail.
Brittany Stringfield Logan is the writer and creator of The Lows and Woes of a Natural Girl she’s into all things nerdy including Star Wars, Star Trek, Comic Books, and Graphic Novels. She is currently featured on Black Girl Nerd’s BGN Girl series and co-hosts the weekly BGN podcast.