I rarely check my AOL account anymore. I'm more of Gmail person these days since Google is my defacto operating system for just about everything. I also have an Android phone that I use incessantly and I'm always emailing more so from my phone than anywhere else. Tonight I decided to check my AOL account and spent nearly an hour doing a clean sweep of my emails.
Whenever I receive an online inquiry from an online dating site, it alerts me to my AOL account. This evening I saw an email from an older gentleman about 10 years my senior, who lives about 60 miles away from me. When I saw his picture, I wasn't all too thrilled with his looks. He actually looked like a 1970s game show host donning an amber colored corduroy jacket and wearing a bright yellow button-down shirt underneath. He was also wearing black frames that were shaped like coke bottle glasses. Now don't get a nerd sista wrong...I loved the glasses. I also liked the wardrobe too.
However, I just wasn't feelin him.
Sometimes I wonder if I am sabotaging myself in some way because I carry some sort of hidden insecurity about being in a relationship. I feel like sometimes I want to just lay down on a chaise lounge and express my deepest darkest fears and concerns to a psychiatrist so they can psychoanalyze me and figure out what is going on in my head. I'm completely clueless about the depths of the human mind and need an expert to translate it all to me.
But maybe it's not that deep. Maybe it's just that I haven't found the right guy and my time will come. I just have to sit and wait patiently. Perhaps I need to stop chastising myself by feeling guilty if someone remotely sees some interest in me and I do not facilitate those same feelings in return.
Why does it all have to be so complicated??
Being single, independent, and in my thirties is actually pretty damn awesome. I've enjoyed this season of solitude in my life. However, in 2013, it would be nice to have a significant other. A guy I can cuddle with while watching an episode of my favorite TV show. Or someone to talk to, laugh, and feel a connection with when we share our affinities for books that we love, celebrities who annoy us, or video games we are interested in playing. Is it so hard to find someone like me? And if I do find someone like me, will I be willing to accept him as my partner?
I guess I have some soul searching to do. But more importantly I need to enjoy the journey while searching.